February 8, 2019 ☼ 🔗
In a Dickensian saga perfectly reflective of our times, AMI, the David Pecker-headed parent company of The National Enquirer, attempted to extort Jeff Bezos with a below the belt threat to expose his prime member. But Pecker picked the wrong dick to shaft. With a net-worth north of $135 billion, the potential victim was particularly well-endowed to fight with sticks or stones. Some people have F U money. Bezos has Jeff U money. So the fluffer called the bluffer and prematurely revealed the whole story at length (not that size matters): No thank you, Mr. Pecker. And now the plot thickens (and hardens) because if AMI acted unlawfully, it could de-rail their immunity deal with federal prosecutors. They thought they had Jeff’s dick in a box, but this is guy who knows how to return a package. Bezos’ full frontal assault ties the story back to Trump, the Saudis, and the Mueller investigation. So if this scandal lasts for more than four hours, call your broadband company. You’re gonna need more bandwidth. (I know it seems like I got a little too hung up on the wordplay, but to paraphrase Nicki Minaj, my anaconda don’t want none unless you got puns son.)
A master piece in today’s NextDraft. The above really says it all. Good for Jeff fighting back though. I’m sure shit like this happens all the time, and only continues when people give in over and over.